Those of you who know me are aware that I’m super white. I don’t mean that I’m super white in a cultural or behavioral sense, although I guess I actually am based on the list of Stuff White People Like. What I really mean is that I am literally very white, as in pale. Like glow-in-the-dark pale. Like might-be-a-vampire pale. This doesn’t usually bother me, but it’s summer so my paleness is extra noticeable right now. Also, I’m a bridesmaid in a wedding next weekend, which means I’ll be in lots of photos next to tan, normal-hued people.
In an effort to overcome my paleness, I started going to a tanning bed two months ago. I bought an unlimited monthly package at $55 per month and tanned every other day like clockwork. Two months and $110 later, I was only slightly less white than when I started. Not once did anyone tell me that I was looking tan. Okay, some people did tell me that I was starting to look tan, but only after I shoved an arm in their faces and yelled, “Don’t I look like I’m getting tan? DON’T I??? Tell me I look tan, dammit!!” Harumph.
In an act of desperation, I bought a bottle of Jurgens self tanner last weekend. I’ve always been wary of self tanners. The bottles say that they are designed for “fair skin,” but I worry that the chemists and marketers behind the self-tanning brands don’t really understand the level of paleness I’m dealing with. My fear of looking like an Oompa-Loompa, or worse, a streaky, blotchy Oompa-Loompa has always prevented me from giving self tanners a real try. Does anyone remember when Charlize Theron showed up at the Oscars a few years ago looking stunningly beautiful except for the fact that she had mysteriously turned orange? That was the first and only time women have ever said to themselves, “My goodness. I would not want to look like Charlize Theron.” Poor Charlize was the very picture of faux tanning gone horribly awry.
Anyway, I bought my self tanning lotion last Sunday and I have applied it once a day, every day since then. And guess what? I’m not orange! And someone told me yesterday that I’m looking nice and tan! I didn’t even have to force them in to telling me that! In five days, my $8 bottle of Jurgens has accomplished more than two months of laying in a tanning bed did. And I get to have a nice tan without pesky side effects like skin cancer and wrinkles.
So ladies (and metrosexual men), I encourage you to give self tanners a shot in lieu of tanning beds. It is a far more frugal choice and at least in my case, it produces great results. Viva la frugal!